Still...

Scouts is screwing themselves up, my friends are screwing themselves up, teachers are screwing me up and the whole thing is screwing my mind up.

So, why the hell am I still trying? Trying to patch up my friends relationships, helping them to have their dreams come through, making sure the future the scouts doesn't go into dirt and all the while, I'm killing myself off. When I do these things, I get nothing in return and I might lose everything I've ever wanted and have. But then again, I guess I don't deserve this happiness. After all, my laughter was never my own. It was given to me by the people I care about. A person like me, one without a laughter of his own should do only one thing. Help others gain back their smile.

I can't remember the date, nor the place. Just that single moment when I looked up into the sky. And then, I saw it. That smile, so gentle, so peaceful, yet, it hides so much turmoil, sadness and confusion. I can't help but smile, because when I do that, that smile becomes true. A real smile out of happiness. She smiled so I can smile. I smiled so she could too. When she's sad, it makes me sad. And I'll force out a smile, as true as it can be so she can smile again. I smile so others can, I laugh for others to laugh as well. I cry alone so others don't have to.

But it was at that time when I realized something. The only person I myself can make happy when I smile is her and only her. So I decided to create a lie. A lie which became the truth. A True Facade. And the more people I make happy, the further away from the truth I become. And in the end, I became a lie. My name is no longer my own and I am never alone. But I needed this, this strange ability so others could smile, so I kept it. Seven truth made from lies, that's who I am.

"Writer's like us tells the truth with lies." -Nicholas Kent

Wondering

So, I was thinking, "Just what the hell am I doing?"

I'm so selfless to the point I'm selfish. I deprive myself of everything I've ever wanted just so others can have them. I've been like this for a long time and so it doesn't really bother me since I have nothing much that I want.

Now, I found something I want, something I need. A fully selfish thought for myself and no others. Maybe because I've always been giving aways what I have that I forgot how to keep them or maybe it's just because I'm a god damned redneck. Again, for someone elses happiness, I gave it away, I gave away another bit of my own happiness. But I can't walk away this time for some reason. It's not like last time where when the deed is done, I walk away. This time, I can't. I'm feeling conflicted with this choice. It's not the first time this have happened but it is a first where I walk away from this situation before it left me. But I'm still trying to walk away. Because I know someone else deserve this happiness more than me. And this piece of happiness deserve someone better than the likes of me.

So in the end,

this is my life.

No resolution.

No meaning.

No destination.

No starting.

No hope.

No happiness.

Just a mask that hides...

A truth that was once a lie. I'm a Joker.

The perfection I can never achieve. I'm the King.

The joyful eternal sadness. The Third to come.

Suppressed uncontrolable anger. Jack of the trade.

Calmness not befitting of me. Luckiest Seven.

A hatred that goes unfullfilled. Imperfect Ten.

And...

the reality which faded into fiction. The forgotten Ace.

They exist because I couldn't. I exist so they could too.

Out of Place- By Aden Ng

Out of Place

I look at you and saw everything
I've ever wanted to see.
But it turn out to only be a mask
of lies and mysteries.
So will you be telling me the truth
behind this fantasy?
Or do I have to run away
and jump right into the sea?

I'll never understand,
why everything can't fall in place.
I've never seen the end,
when everything starts to breakaway.

Chorus
So go away with me
into the endless sun set,
and sail away with me
to the ends of the world.

I turn around and I saw you running
right in front of me.
Right into the car of someone who looks
way better than me.
I took a step and left my pride behind
in my empty seat.
I was willing to give up everything
for you to be happy.

I'll never understand,
why I always feel so out of place.
I can never see the end,
that leads out of this empty place.

Chorus
So go away with me
into the endless sun set,
and sail away with me
to the ends of the world.

Take a step,
left turn,
right into the alley.
Another step,
right turn,
out onto the beach.

As I look up to the sunset,
I can't help but feel out of place.
So I locked myself in a closet,
but you come to pull me out anyway.

Chorus x2
So go away with me
into the endless sun set,
and sail away with me
to the ends of the world.

Remembrance

I was just sitting around, and thinking. just, thinking. And suddenly, for no particular reason, I remembered why I joint Scouts. I mean, truly remembered.

That day, me, Cheng Hong, Mark Leong, Benjamin, Malcolm and Kah Yong were just walking around, looking at all the booths when I saw something that stood out above all the others. A six meters tall hour-glass tower. I was afraid to climb up it at first then next thing I know, Cheng Hong and Mark was dragging me by the heel. It wasn't long before Hon Ding talked me up the tower.

I remember, first step...

Boy, this is scary...

Second step, I looked up at the sky...

God, it's so clear...

Third step, I moved my hands up...

I wonder if I can touch it...

And before I knew it, I wasn't even looking at the ground no more. Just the sky, climbing, one step at a time. It was all so surreal and when I reached the top, I was so high up my heart skipped a beat just from the view.

I guessed, when I saw what they did, it just promted me to join. They worked together to reach the sky, how cool is that.

I've always felt something about the sky. It's always there and it stands for what I believe in, what I love about this world and much more.

What's going through my mind nowadays

I've noticed how strange my life is. In the eyes of other people, I seem to have many friends. But in truth, how many of them are actually people I hang with? Very few. Am I isolating myself? I guess in a sub-consious way, I am.

I'm always drifting, never really settling down anywhere. I'll go, "Hey, maybe I'll eat recess with them today!" or "Hmm...maybe I should eat with those guys today instead." But I guess, in a way, I like it like that. I like this world like that. Not an eternity of living your happiest time over and over again, but eternal change, living through different degrees of happiness and sadness everyday. I like it this way. The same thing never happens twice. Maybe you get lock in class one day and get locked in again the next. But it's never the same. Maybe the second day the whiteboard is dirtier than the first, maybe there's a missing table or the rows and columms are slanted.

You know, one day I would like it if we could all just go somewhere nice together, all of us. Just relax and enjoy our time together. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

I understand now. For the past three and a half years, the happiest time of my life past by me. I always said I didn't want it to end. Now, I understand. I want it to end. So I can move on, to see the change that have been made. I'm afraid of eternity. It never changes. I'm afraid of it now. Maybe that's why I've always seek to push myself away from those who are eternal. Cause they can never change. No longer do I fear death, but I still fear what comes after. The concept of eternity is a scary thought. I don't fear change anymore. I'll keep changing, so I will never be eternal.

"People do not fear death itself, but rather, what comes after. That is because they fear change. But overcome that fear, and you overcome those who are eternal." -Clover's Ace