Still Going Strong

With all the hussle and bussle of life, I'm starting to get confused of who I am. Not the first time though. I don't even know why I even bother writing a blog. Maybe because I can't bother myself with writing a diary. I strayed from my path a while back and it took me so long to notice. Maybe it's time I get that break from life I've always looked forward too...nah!

Life's fun, it's also short. Live to the fullest, hold no regrets, or hard feelings. Just keep moving on. Just keep walking, keep running. We are who we are. No matter how far life takes us, we will always be ourselves. Why am I even saying this, I do not know. Guess I just feel like it.

In the past two months, many people have told me, that if they could turn back time, they would like to change all the bad things that happen to them. Changing streams, getting into fights, losing a game, being born and stuff like that. For me, if I could turn back time, I would change......
...
...
...
hm...
nothing I guess.

Sure there's been hard times, sure there are things that could have gone better or could have not happened at all, but, I wouldn't change all the good and bad things for the world. It made me who I am today, made me strong. I found friends who'll stick by me because of those hard paths I walk. I don't think I'll ever find such great friends if I had taken the easy way out all those years ago. I'm glad I suffered. It made me stronger. Those pain thought me how to appreciate life and those years of holding out those beatings taught me how to never let anyone touch my soul.

I can think clearly because I can bare pain. I thank pain and suffering and loneliness. Because of them, I can appreciate joy, togetherness and the hearts of people.

Life goes on.

"I'll live for those who died that day. Even if I turn back time, it can never take away the pain." -Shirou Emiya, Fate/Stay Night

Bittersweet New Year

Can't say it was one of the greatest party I've ever attended. But then again, I've never attended any parties that didn't leave me feeling like the biggest shit on Earth. The day started off fine. Arcade was fun, movie was fun, lan was fun but that's where it end. Some uninvited guest spoiled the party but it was still cool then. Though almost every one of them was late, we manage to make it to Marina Bay. We got seperated into two groups. One which wanted peace and quiet, and the other, which were just to damn ass lazy to move to a better place to sit. Countdown to New Year, fun. Until then, it was the best party of my life.

But once the clock hits midnight, everything was flushed. The sky was too smoke-filled to see any of the fireworks and I got seperated from the guys while watching the ships fire their flares. I went looking for them, not wanting to leave without telling them where I was headed or just let them worry. Send them each a message but Starhub was jammed so only 3 of the 4 got through. I thought it was enough so I waited at the place where I stated I'll be at, swinging that stupid torchlight in hope it will get their attention. It was not only until much, much later did I get a message saying that they've already left and told me to make my way home myself. No apology, no explanation, nothing. Just that. It wasn't the first time but hell, it really stung.

The shuttle bus was cramped and I didn't exactly felt like stuffing myself in confined space with strangers so I walked. And that's how I started my New Year. Alone, angry, sad and lost. On that one hour walk there, I thought about lots of things. About that guy who was always pushed to do his best and did it but always complained how bad his life is, not knowing the person he's telling it to had it worst. The guy who was so physically skilled and well financed but manage to earned friends through no means of money. The guy who have a great goal with no destination yet working so hard to achieve what he wants. The guy who got caught smoking but was still a nice guy at heart. The guy who always hit me as a sign to tell me that we're friends and still has his heart good. The guy who is always slower than everyone else but still at the same time, much smarter. The guy who we all tease for being large but still holds on to his moral. The guy who we don't see much of but is always there. The guy who is part of us and wants to be but can't always be. The guy who devotes himself to his friends as much as his beliefs.

The girl who I've known since young who has grown into a great woman who looks forward to the future. The girl who I just met who is the exact opposite and can never let go of her regret and lives in the past. The boy I've been friends with for six years and is finally moving on to the greater things he deserve. The girl I've known since P5 who once said we were on the same boat even though she had it tougher just to make me happy. The girl who I met by chance and had a hard life but always smile.

Then there's those four who I never met again since that day of graduation from kindergarten in 1996. The boy who was so athletic and taught me how to cartwheel. The boy so smart that checked our work for us everyday. The boy so strong that can even lift a four years old me over his head. And then there's that boy, who called himself Jun Xiang, who had a dream to do good but ended up failing and crashing back down to Earth.

I hated them, each and every single one of them to the core for leaving me behind when I just manage to stand. But I hate myself even more. For holding them back, making them suffer, holding on so tight that they can't carry on their lives. I hated myself because I am capable of hating others. And as I neared the station in my long walk, I weighed the option of dissapearing again. Forgotten by all in my past except for those who wishes for me to stay. And I cried. I didn't know where I was going. Where I'll end up at. Turns out, the last train left. No cabs, no bus, no way home.

My parents were overseas and took awhile before I tried calling my stepmom which worked. While waiting, I got another chance to think about everything I've ever experienced, everything that have ever happened. And when I arrive home at 3.30am, the result from my three hours soul search came to one thing, there was still no answer.

"To find yourself, you must first get lost." -Ng Jun Xiang