Wondering

So, I was thinking, "Just what the hell am I doing?"

I'm so selfless to the point I'm selfish. I deprive myself of everything I've ever wanted just so others can have them. I've been like this for a long time and so it doesn't really bother me since I have nothing much that I want.

Now, I found something I want, something I need. A fully selfish thought for myself and no others. Maybe because I've always been giving aways what I have that I forgot how to keep them or maybe it's just because I'm a god damned redneck. Again, for someone elses happiness, I gave it away, I gave away another bit of my own happiness. But I can't walk away this time for some reason. It's not like last time where when the deed is done, I walk away. This time, I can't. I'm feeling conflicted with this choice. It's not the first time this have happened but it is a first where I walk away from this situation before it left me. But I'm still trying to walk away. Because I know someone else deserve this happiness more than me. And this piece of happiness deserve someone better than the likes of me.

So in the end,

this is my life.

No resolution.

No meaning.

No destination.

No starting.

No hope.

No happiness.

Just a mask that hides...

A truth that was once a lie. I'm a Joker.

The perfection I can never achieve. I'm the King.

The joyful eternal sadness. The Third to come.

Suppressed uncontrolable anger. Jack of the trade.

Calmness not befitting of me. Luckiest Seven.

A hatred that goes unfullfilled. Imperfect Ten.

And...

the reality which faded into fiction. The forgotten Ace.

They exist because I couldn't. I exist so they could too.