What's going through my mind nowadays

I've noticed how strange my life is. In the eyes of other people, I seem to have many friends. But in truth, how many of them are actually people I hang with? Very few. Am I isolating myself? I guess in a sub-consious way, I am.

I'm always drifting, never really settling down anywhere. I'll go, "Hey, maybe I'll eat recess with them today!" or "Hmm...maybe I should eat with those guys today instead." But I guess, in a way, I like it like that. I like this world like that. Not an eternity of living your happiest time over and over again, but eternal change, living through different degrees of happiness and sadness everyday. I like it this way. The same thing never happens twice. Maybe you get lock in class one day and get locked in again the next. But it's never the same. Maybe the second day the whiteboard is dirtier than the first, maybe there's a missing table or the rows and columms are slanted.

You know, one day I would like it if we could all just go somewhere nice together, all of us. Just relax and enjoy our time together. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

I understand now. For the past three and a half years, the happiest time of my life past by me. I always said I didn't want it to end. Now, I understand. I want it to end. So I can move on, to see the change that have been made. I'm afraid of eternity. It never changes. I'm afraid of it now. Maybe that's why I've always seek to push myself away from those who are eternal. Cause they can never change. No longer do I fear death, but I still fear what comes after. The concept of eternity is a scary thought. I don't fear change anymore. I'll keep changing, so I will never be eternal.

"People do not fear death itself, but rather, what comes after. That is because they fear change. But overcome that fear, and you overcome those who are eternal." -Clover's Ace